Checking Myself: Old Wounds

I had the overwhelming desire a few days ago to contact an ex-boyfriend. I was tempted so many times to pick up the phone and call or send an email. Fingers hovering over letters and numbers on the threshold of opening a can of worms I decided two and a half years ago to close. I’m not saying that he’s a terrible person, he’s just not someone I want or need in my life…for the rest of my life. I think a lot of us do this at some point though…we move on from people, but every once in a while we think of them, we wonder how they are and sometimes when major things happen in our lives we want to reach out to them. The slightest thing that occurs that we know they are connected to in some way and we want to pick up a phone or open the laptop and say “Hey, I just wanted to….”. I had to remind myself that I had made a decision to completely cut him out of my life for a multitude of reasons, the biggest one being that I had to completely heal. Sometimes we make the effort to remain friends after relationships end, thinking that it’s the mature thing to do, but the fact is it’s not always best. It’s great if two people who have been in a relationship, been in love with each other can part as friends, can occasionally have coffee with each other, but that doesn’t work for everyone. You have to decide if it’s truly worth it to allow that person to still have a role in your life. Oddly, it took quite some time for me to come to that conclusion because usually, I have no problem cutting someone out of my life and not looking back, but he was the exception. He was the exception because I loved him in a way that I had never really been able to comprehend, he had emotional privileges that I’ve never given anyone before. I had to realize that friendship wasn’t going to work for us, that we had never really been friends in the first place so there was no foundation to work with. We were two different people, with different ideas on how we wanted our lives to be and who we wanted the other to be. Two stubborn people and one who was more interested in breaking the other instead asking them to bend a little. There was no common ground, no willingness to compromise and so we became lost in a game of emotional tug of war with no one winning. I guess I’ll always have some emotional scars from our time together because he meant so much to me. I don’t mind the scars because I learned a lot about what I wanted and didn’t want for the next time I allow someone into my life so intimately. I learned I loved who he WAS and not who he had become. I also learned at the end of our journey that I would never be able to heal if the person who inflicted the wound was still a part of my life.

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